


arachnus deathicus

by Thealmostrhetoricalquestion



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Acromantulas, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Rated T for swearing, Spiders, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-14
Updated: 2018-01-14
Packaged: 2019-03-04 21:41:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13373616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thealmostrhetoricalquestion/pseuds/Thealmostrhetoricalquestion
Summary: Teddy rolled his eyes and started to stroll towards the kettle, where he had every intention of putting James to shame by easily handling the spider situation. Instead, he caught sight of the absolutebeaston top of the counter and skittered back in alarm, a ragged noise escaping him. The mug slipped from his fingers and smashed on the floor, and Teddy found himself on the table too, standing beside James. Everything was shaking. Even hisasswas shaking.“That really is an Acromantula.”“I liked that mug,” James said, staring in dismay at the mess on the floor.





	arachnus deathicus

**Author's Note:**

> Um so i just wanted to write some jeddy, basically. Please do not come here seeking substance and depth, you will be disappointed. But i hope you like it anyway! Thank you! The T rating is literally just for the swearing.

“It’s the size of a fucking dinner plate,” Jamie said, voice slightly high-pitched, scrambling up onto the dining room table. He stood, head bowed so that the tips of his dark hair just brushed the light fixture, and scowled at Teddy, who resumed washing the dishes in a slow, methodical way. 

“You know, if someone had washed the dishes like I _asked_ them too, instead of spending the whole day lying on the sofa and eating everything we own, I might be able to help straight away. Alas, here I am, stuck at the sink.”

“Don’t you ‘alas’ me, Theodore,” Jamie hissed venomously. “For your information, I only ate all the shit I knew you’d be tempted to eat when you started your new diet tomorrow. I was doing you a favour, so now do me one and get rid of the fucking Acromantula setting up shop by our kettle.”

Teddy made sure to sigh extra loudly, and then he picked up the mug he’d just washed with soapy fingers and turned around.

“You’re gonna need something a little bit larger than that, big guy.”

Teddy rolled his eyes and started to stroll towards the kettle, where he had every intention of putting James to shame by easily handling the spider situation. Instead, he caught sight of the absolute beast on top of the counter and skittered back in alarm, a ragged noise escaping him. The mug slipped from his fingers and smashed on the floor with an almighty crash, and Teddy found himself on the table too, standing beside James. Everything was shaking. His fucking _ass_ was shaking. 

“That really is an Acromantula.”

“I liked that mug,” James said, staring in dismay at the mess on the floor. 

Teddy elbowed him in the gut, and James yowled, slapping him back. “Jamie, that’s an actual Acromantula. Why the hell didn’t you warn me?”

The table creaked a little under their combined weight, and they both went deadly still. The look of scandalised anger on James’s face could have melted glass. 

“I think you’ll find, if you cast your oh-so-great mind back, that I did bloody mention something about it being an Acromantula.”

“I thought you were just being dramatic, like usual,” Teddy grumbled. He made to get down off the table, and the Acromantula twitched forward slightly. Both of them froze, eyes fixed on the creature, which remained still as long as they didn’t move. It seemed to be watching them, and the thought made Teddy shudder. 

“I resent that,” James whispered, out of the corner of his mouth. “I also really liked that mug, Teddy, it’s the one that Scorpius got me, the one that says ‘twat’ on the bottom.”

“You two have a strange relationship,” Teddy said, not for the first time. “And we can always repair it. Where’s your wand?”

“Upstairs,” James said, shifting slightly. He began to lower himself slowly until he was sat down on the table, legs crossed underneath him. The Acromantula shifted slightly, and Teddy sat down hurriedly. “Where’s yours?”

Teddy checked his back pocket, leaving a slightly wet handprint behind, but it was empty. He checked behind his ear then, ignoring James’s laughter, and then finally his hoodie pocket, but it wasn’t anywhere. 

“I have no idea,” Teddy admitted. 

“If we told any of the family that you’re the scatter-brained one in the relationship, they wouldn’t believe me,” James said, rolling his eyes. “You need everything stuck to your forehead.”

Teddy wiped his wet hands down the front of James’s shirt in retaliation and laughed when he squawked. The Acromantula scuttled to the left, slightly, and James made a small noise of disgust, shivering. 

“We can’t just sit here,” he said, and Teddy shrugged. 

“I don’t think it wants us to go anywhere. Scorpius is coming around at half-past, isn’t he? He loves things like this, he can sort it out.”

“He _is_ a massive nerd when it comes to magical creatures,” James said slowly, thinking it out. “So, what? We just sit here and watch the thing watching us? Merlin, what does it need all those eyes for?”

Teddy chewed his lip, his hair cycling through several colours as he thought. It landed on blue, his comfort colour, and he craned his neck to look behind him. There were several stacks of paper, bills and the like, and Teddy shifted to fumble around under them, withdrawing a slightly beat-up pack of cards, left there from the last family game night they had hosted. 

“Try not to lose this time.” Teddy smirked. 

James glowered at him from under his lashes, and Merlin, he was hot when he was sulky. Shouldn’t be, but he was. 

“Oh, it is _on_.” 

*

The front door slammed open and then shut again.

“Got any threes?”

“Go Fish, Bitch.”

James peered over the top of his cards, narrow-eyed. “I don’t believe you. Lemme see.”

“Guys?” Scorpius poked his head around the doorway and blinked when he saw James attempting to climb in Teddy’s lap, wrestling the cards out of his grip. “Far be it for me to question your attempts at foreplay, but you might want to try a strengthening charm for the table.”

Teddy snorted. “I shudder to think about your sex life, if this is what you consider foreplay.”

James paused and frowned at him. “It’s _not_ foreplay?”

Teddy gaped for a moment, and then shook his head. “Why am I even surprised?”

“What were you doing then?” Scorpius asked, venturing further into the room when it became evident that they weren’t going to start ripping each other’s clothes off anytime soon. 

“Playing Go Fish Bitch,” James explained. 

“Do I even want to know? Al says I shouldn’t ask questions when it comes to you two.”

“It’s literally the same as Go Fish, except you get to swear,” Teddy explained. “We used to play it when Harry and Ginny went to bed. It was Jamie’s idea of rebellion at a young age.”

“Okay. Why were you playing it on the table? You know you have chairs, right?” Scorpius said. 

James jerked his thumb at the counter without saying anything, and Scorpius turned. He gasped, squealed in delight, and then scurried forward, cooing and murmuring nonsense words. Teddy watched in mild horror as Scorpius scooped up the Acromantula and cradled it against his chest. 

“How,” James said flatly. “Why.”

“Aren’t they supposed to be evil and dangerous?” Teddy said, eyeing the creature in Scorpius’s arms dubiously. 

Scorpius looked personally offended, and he tucked the Acromantula a little closer. “No. They’re seriously misunderstood creatures, and besides, this one’s only a baby. I don’t know where it came from. You mind if I take it home and make sure it’s okay?”

“I bet Al will love that,” Teddy said. “First the nest of Bowtruckles in the living room, and then the Hippogriff, and now this.”

James elbowed him sharply as Scorpius flushed pink. 

“Don’t upset the boy holding the giant spider,” James hissed, and Teddy rolled his eyes. 

“Thank you, Scorpius, we owe you one,” Teddy said. “You want to stay for lunch, still, or reschedule?”

Scorpius rescheduled for the next day, and waved as he left the apartment, giving the table a wide berth like he knew exactly how much James would freak out if he got too close. Teddy slid down off the table once the door clicked shut, and groaned, stretching. He could feel his joints creaking, stiff from sitting down in one place for so long. 

He glanced back and caught James watching him. There was a familiar look on his face. 

“Seriously?” Teddy asked, slightly amused. “Now?”

James shrugged. “We’ve been through a stressful ordeal. I need someone to take care of me.”

Teddy hummed, shifting closer until he had his hands on either side of James’s thighs. Jamie’s eyes darkened. 

“Oh, I’ll take care of you alright.” Teddy leaned in and kissed him, long and slow and dirty. Then, just as a soft sound escaped James’s throat, Teddy leaned back and strolled towards the sink, dodging the shards of smashed porcelain on the floor, leaving James staring after him. 

“Right after I’ve done the dishes.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Please leave a comment/kudos if you enjoyed it, let me know what you thought. I know it's a bit of a rare pairing but I really like them! And come say hey @thealmostrhetoricalquestion on tumblr. Thank you!


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